The Four Seasons of Self: How Your Identity Blooms, Burns, and Transforms Across a Lifetime
I turned 55 this year, and something shifted. Not gradually, not subtly—but like opening the curtains one morning to find the trees outside have transformed overnight into brilliant reds and golds. I realized, with a clarity that was both exhilarating and unsettling, that I am in the Autumn of my life.
The leaves are changing colours—vibrant and beautiful—and I want to fully embrace the beauty of it. I want to revel in these reds and oranges, in this season where I finally feel like I'm showing my true colours after decades of trying to stay green for everyone else. And yet, there's also this lingering voice that reminds me: winter is coming.
It's an uncomfortable truth that sits alongside the beauty, isn't it? We've earned the perspective and wisdom that only comes with time—the luxury of hindsight to ponder the comings and goings of life in ways that only an elder can. We're finally seeing the patterns, understanding how the story unfolds. And like many who came before us, we find ourselves spitting out wisdom nuggets that too few hear and even fewer abide by.
But maybe that's part of the Autumn season too—recognizing that our hard-won insights aren't for broadcasting to people who aren't ready. They're for whispering to each other, those of us watching the same leaves change, saying "Yes, I see it too. Isn't it terrifying? Isn't it beautiful?"
So What Actually Is Identity, Anyway?
Before we dive into the seasons, let's get clear on what we're talking about. Because "identity" is one of those words people throw around without really defining.
Your identity is essentially your answer to the question: "Who am I?"
But here's where it gets interesting—that answer has layers:
There's who you think you are (your self-concept)
There's who you want to be (your aspirational self)
There's who others tell you you are (your social identity)
There's who you actually are when nobody's watching (your authentic self)
And underneath all of that? There are your values, your beliefs, your experiences, your roles, your relationships, your body, your work, your passions, your fears, your dreams. Identity is the story you tell yourself about yourself—and that story gets rewritten constantly.
The tricky part is that most of us spend huge chunks of our lives not distinguishing between these layers. We confuse the roles we play with who we actually are. We mistake other people's expectations for our own desires. We build an identity around what we do instead of who we are.
And then life happens—a job loss, a divorce, menopause, kids leaving home, a health crisis—and suddenly the roles shift, the body changes, the old story doesn't fit anymore. That's when we realize we've been living in someone else's garden, tending plants we never actually chose.
Here's what nobody tells you about identity: it's not something you figure out once and file away like your tax returns. Your sense of self is more like a garden that goes through seasons—sometimes flourishing, sometimes dormant, occasionally requiring you to rip everything out and start fresh because, honestly, what were you thinking with those choices?
And now, standing here in my Autumn, I can finally see all the seasons laid out behind me. I can see how my identity was shaped, challenged, buried, and reborn through each phase. More importantly, I can see how understanding these seasons might help someone else navigate their own garden a bit more gracefully.
Let me walk you through the four seasons of selfhood, and how each phase either nurtures your authentic identity or accidentally tries to strangle it with well-meaning expectations.
Spring (0-22): Planting Seeds in Someone Else's Garden
What's Happening to Your Identity:
This is your foundation-building season. You're basically a sponge in a human suit, soaking up everything around you—your parents' values, your teachers' expectations, your friends' opinions, society's rules about who you should be. Your identity is forming, but here's the kicker: most of it isn't actually yours yet.
Think of Spring as planting a garden based on someone else's Pinterest board. You're putting in the work, but you're not entirely sure if you even like roses or if you just think you should like roses because everyone says roses are nice.
What Supports Your Sense of Self:
Exploration without judgment: When you're allowed to try different hobbies, friend groups, ideas, and identities like trying on clothes at a thrift store
Healthy boundaries: Parents and mentors who guide without suffocating, who say "here are the rules for safety" but not "here's exactly who you must become"
Failure that doesn't feel fatal: Learning that bombing a test or getting dumped doesn't define your entire existence
Authentic role models: People who show you that there are multiple ways to be a successful, worthy human
What Thwarts Your Identity:
Rigid expectations about who you "should" be based on gender, family tradition, or societal pressure
The relentless comparison machine of school and social media (it's not new, but boy, has it gotten louder)
Being told your feelings are "just a phase" when they're actually important signals about who you are
Not being given space to question, rebel, or figure things out messily
Real Talk Example:
My client Sarah spent her entire Spring season being the "good girl"—straight As, no trouble, exactly what her parents dreamed of. She got into medical school because that's what good girls from good families did. It took her until she was 35 and absolutely miserable as a doctor to realize she'd built her entire identity on someone else's blueprint. She's now a veterinary nutritionist and finally feels like herself. Better late than never, but imagine if she'd had permission to explore that earlier.
Summer (22-42): Everyone Wants a Piece of Your Garden
What's Happening to Your Identity:
Welcome to the season of roles. You go from being "just you" to being someone's partner, someone's employee, someone's parent, someone's friend, someone's colleague. Each role comes with its own costume and script, and suddenly you're performing in multiple plays at once.
This is the season where your sense of self can either solidify beautifully... or get completely buried under everyone else's needs.
What Supports Your Sense of Self:
Choosing relationships that see the real you: Partners and friends who know you're more than your job title or parental status
Maintaining at least one thing that's just yours: A hobby, a friendship group, a creative outlet that has nothing to do with your other roles
Setting boundaries early: Learning to say "no" before you're so depleted you can barely whisper it
Regular check-ins with yourself: Actually asking "Am I happy? Is this what I want?" instead of just powering through on autopilot
What Thwarts Your Identity:
The myth that being a "good" parent/partner/employee means completely erasing your individual needs
Career pressure that says your job IS your identity
The comparison trap (which hits peak intensity during this season—everyone's wedding/baby/promotion photos are everywhere)
Losing touch with friends and activities that knew you before all these roles piled on
Real Talk Example:
I remember the first time someone called me "Natasha’s mom" instead of my name. It was such a small thing, but I felt this weird jolt—like I'd been demoted from person to function. Don't get me wrong, I loved being a parent, but I also needed to still be Glenda-who-works, Glenda-who-reads, Glenda-who-has-terrible-taste-in-…. The women I know who navigated Summer best were the ones who refused to let any single role consume their entire identity.
Fall (42-65): The Great Pruning
What's Happening to Your Identity:
Oh, Fall. This is where it gets interesting. This is when everything you built in Summer starts to shift. Kids grow up and need you less. Your body changes in ways that feel both liberating and disconcerting. Your career might feel like it's peaked or lost its lustre. The roles that defined you for two decades start to loosen, and underneath? You get to rediscover who you actually are.
Fall is the season of the identity crisis (often referred to as the Midlife Crisis)—but I prefer to call it the identity opportunity.
This is your pruning season. You're cutting back what's dead or never really fit, making space for new growth. It can feel brutal, but it's also where the magic happens.
What Supports Your Sense of Self:
Permission to reinvent: Recognizing that who you were at 35 doesn't have to be who you are at 50
Reclaiming abandoned dreams: Dusting off old interests, talents, or goals you shelved during the Summer years
Finding your tribe: Connecting with people who are also in this messy middle, who get it
Physical and mental health focus: Supporting your changing body and brain instead of fighting against them
Courage to make big changes: Sometimes Fall requires a divorce, a career shift, or a complete lifestyle overhaul, and that's okay
What Thwarts Your Identity:
Society telling you you're "too old" for new dreams
Clinging to outdated versions of yourself because change feels scary
Menopause and hormonal shifts that mess with your mood, clarity, and sense of self (and aren't talked about honestly)
Internalized ageism that says your best years are behind you
Isolating yourself instead of seeking support during this transition
Real Talk Example:
Here's where I put my own cards on the table. I spent my thirties building a life that looked perfect on paper. By my early forties, I realized I was performing someone else's version of success. Fall forced me to ask hard questions: Who am I when my kids don't need constant care? Who am I beyond my job title? What do I actually want?
Starting my coaching business, training for a marathon, completely reinventing my health and fitness—these weren't random midlife decisions. They were me finally giving myself permission to grow in new directions. And you know what? This season has been the most authentic, most "me" period of my entire life.
Winter (65+): Harvesting Wisdom, Planting Legacy
What's Happening to Your Identity:
Winter gets a bad rap in our youth-obsessed culture, but this season can be profoundly liberating. You've lived through enough nonsense to know what actually matters. You've earned the right to care less about other people's opinions. Your identity becomes less about what you do and more about who you are. And in our youth-obsessed culture, you are invisible to most, so really you can do what you want and get away with it. So choose wisely!
This is your harvest season—reaping the wisdom from all those years of growth, and choosing what legacy you want to leave.
What Supports Your Sense of Self:
Embracing the freedom of fewer expectations: You don't have to prove anything to anyone anymore
Sharing your story and wisdom: Mentoring, teaching, or simply being present for younger generations
Staying connected and engaged: Isolation is the enemy of identity in Winter
Continuing to learn and grow: Your brain doesn't have an expiry date on curiosity
Redefining what "productive" means: Your value isn't in your productivity anymore
What Thwarts Your Identity:
Society's tendency to make older people invisible
Retirement that strips away purpose without replacing it
Health challenges that limit mobility or independence
Losing your partner or close friends without rebuilding connection
Internalizing messages that you're "past your prime"
Real Talk Example:
My client Margaret is 68. After her husband died, everyone expected her to shrink into quiet widowhood. Instead, she learned to paddleboard, joined a book club, started volunteering at an animal shelter, and began dating. "I spent 40 years being someone's wife, someone's mother, someone's employee," she told me. "Now I'm just Margaret. And I'm bloody brilliant at it."
The Thread That Runs Through All Seasons
Here's what I've learned: your identity isn't meant to be fixed. It's meant to evolve. Each season offers different opportunities to discover and express who you are, and each season brings different challenges that can either support or suppress your authentic self.
The people who navigate these seasons best aren't the ones who cling to a single version of themselves. They're the ones who:
Stay curious about who they're becoming
Maintain connections to their core values, even as their expression changes
Give themselves permission to outgrow old identities
Seek support during transitions instead of white-knuckling through alone
Trust that reinvention isn't failure—it's evolution
Your Season, Your Garden
So where are you in your seasonal journey? Are you in the messy Spring of figuring it all out? The busy Summer of juggling roles? The transformative Fall of rediscovery? The wise Winter of harvest?
Wherever you are, remember this: you're allowed to change. You're allowed to grow. You're allowed to become someone new while still honouring who you've been.
Your identity isn't a fixed point on a map—it's the entire journey. And the most beautiful gardens are the ones that look different with every season.
Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a marathon to train for and an entirely new version of myself to discover. Fall is my favourite season, after all.
What season are you in? How has your sense of self evolved through your life? Drop a comment below—I'd love to hear your story.
Are you in your fall season? Read this for more
